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NORTH BANGISTANI LIFESTYLE MINISTER CAUGHT IN BEARD SCANDAL

Masjidabad: A shocking sting operation yesterday revealed that the supposedly clean and wise Health Minister of North Bangistan, Mushtaq Lambidadhi, has been duping the public for years by using beard extensions.

The undercover journalist entered Lambidadhi’s private quarters in the guise of a FcDonalds™ delivery man, and discovered his private collection of beard extensions. For the previous few decades, Lambidadhi has been widely admired for his finely maintained and impressively long beard, which was also a key reason for his appointment as Health Minister. Under his guidance, the Health ministry greatly improved public fitness, nutrition standards and medical resources.

Unfortunately, it has all proven to be an elaborate hoax, since Lambidadhi’s beard was found to be no less than 6 inches shorter than previously believed.

‘I have always strived to achieve the North Bangistani ideals of beard length’, said a tearful Lambidadhi, ‘but my beard just would not grow beyond 3 feet after I turned 30’. His supporters gathered outside his cave in a show of solidarity, but even combined with his good work as Health Minister, it does not mitigate his unacceptable betrayal of the good North Bangistani people.

South Bangistani Communications Minister denies role in Pigeon Route Allotment scam

Mandirnagar: The Pigeon Route Allotment scam in South Bangistan took a dramatic turn yesterday when the Communications Minister, K. A. Butar himself, was implicated in the scandal. The passenger pigeon, previously believed to be extinct, is South Bangistan’s most efficient method of long distance communication, and control of these pigeon routes is vital in the increasingly lucrative pigeon communication industry. The South Bangistani government had allotted these pigeon routes to several pigeon farmers via a bidding process last year.

However, it has emerged that K. A. Butar had allotted these routes in exchange for hefty bribes, instead of the government sanctioned bidding process. However, Butar denied all allegations yesterday, saying, ‘The pigeon routes have been distributed to farms purely on the basis of pigeon health and correspondence to pigeon communication rules and regulations – the money in question was an early birthday present from my closest friends, some of whom just happen to be pigeon farmers’.

The government has announced a probe into the matter, and until the investigation produces a definitive indictment, Butar will remain the Communications minister of South Bangistan.

North Bangistan Dirt Road Network to be upgraded

Masjidabad: the North Bangistani government made a path breaking announcement from the Caves of Parliament yesterday – the statewide/nationwide dirt road network is to be massively upgraded by adding more dirt to it.

The original plan of building proper roads was discarded early on, because of the complaint that regular roads would make the North Bangistani landscape resemble that of South Bangistan. Asphalt would deprive everyone’s mules of their natural environment and make the mules restless over long distances. However, the leaders of North Bangistan did come to the consensus that the road network should be improved by the addition of dirt.

‘Not only will more dirt provide better grip and traction for our mules in our mountainous terrain, but it will also add a layer of camouflage that will help avoid attacks by those pesky American drones’, said Mustafa Achhidadhi, the minister of transportation.

Around 10,000 tonnes of dirt, rock and gravel is to be brought from South Bangistan for this project. ‘There is no shortage of dirt in South Bangistan anyway’, said Achhidadhi. ‘This is also a symbolic gesture to prove that the Southern dirt shall always remain crushed under our feet’. The upgraded North Bangistan Dirt Road Network will be the most advanced dirt track system the world has seen since the Indus Valley Civilization.

South Bangistan Trishul Factory nears completion

Mandirnagar: The South Bangistan Trishul Factory, commissioned last year to support the depleted South Bangistani Armed Forces, is now within one month of completion. H. A. Thyaar, the manager of the factory, was ecstatic at the press announcement yesterday – ‘Our valiant troops will soon be equipped with state-of-the-art weaponry’, he said. ‘Our trishul technology will supply the defence with the sharpest three-pronged armaments in the world’.

This major weapons upgrade is sure to have the North Bangistani intelligence network on high alert. ‘No matter’, says Thyaar, ‘the Northern forces and their homemade explosives have no hope against our weaponry anymore’. He also said, “There’s no such thing as too many trishuls.” The factory produces 108 trishuls of varying sizes per hour.

When the factory was first announced, the UN had raised concerns that the move might initiate an uncontrollable arms race between North and South Bangistan, leading to civil war. Thyaar has laughed off these concerns, however, saying, ‘North Bangistan does not have the infrastructure to make even one of the trishuls we will produce in mass here, so there is no question of a race – they cannot even leave the start line!’ On completion, the factory is expected to make the South Bangistan Armed Forces the largest, and only, army to use non-explosive weaponry.

Husain Bijli dedicates national victory to Azeem Medha

Masjidabad: Husain Bijli continued his unprecedented run of consecutive victories at the North Bangistani Games with a 5-second victory in the 420 m track event. At the post-race press conference, Bijli dedicated his latest victory to Bakri, the mythical champion of the traditional North Bangistani lamb races, popularly known today as Azeem Medha.

Bakri is believed to have been undefeated in over a hundred races before he was butchered for meat by competing lamb herders.

Bijli, easily the biggest North Bangistani sports icon, claims to owe his prowess to the legendary lamb. ‘I am eternally grateful to Bakri, whose meat was eaten by my forefathers,’ he said, ‘thereby imbuing our lineage with the lamb’s unparalleled speed and athleticism’.

When a reporter suggested that Bijli’s accomplishment match those of Bakri, the sprinter retorted, ‘If I continue to race and remain undefeated at the time of my death, we will have another press conference and have this discussion.’

Badminton fever grips South Bangistani holy men

Mandirnagar: Sadhus and babas from all over South Bangistan have begun intensive training for the upcoming annual badminton tournament. To be held at the famous Badminton Ghat next month, the competition is expected to draw a record attendance this year, second only to the Star*ucks™ World Pehelwan Cup.

The winner of the prominent competition will be awarded the right to first wash in the holy river on New Year’s Day, an honor no sadhu of the land can resist.

The defending champion, Baba Backhand, is the odds on favorite to win the tournament, but he was taking nothing for granted at the press conference yesterday. ‘All sadhus of South Bangistan have holy power imbued in them’, he said, ‘and I will have to keep my concentration in each game’. Known for his powerful backhand, the Baba said he has been working on other parts of his game as well. ‘My service has become a lot better as well’, he said, ‘and this is all because I was the first to bathe in the holy river this year’. ‘Hopefully’, he continued with a chuckle, ‘I will win again, bathe first the next New Year’s Day again, and come back with an unbeatable forehand too!’ The defending champion looks to be in good shape coming into the tournament, and the other badminton babas now know what level they must be at, to have a shot at victory, and the prestigious first wash.

FACTS

Official Name: Democratic Kingdom of the Federal
Secular People’s Republic of Bangistan

    Legislature:
  • Upper House – Gufa Sabha
  • Lower House – Ghat Sabha

Currency: Bang (420 Bangs = 1 US Dollar)

Summer Capital – Masjidabad, North Bangistan
Winter Capital – Mandirnagar, South Bangistan

Official Languages: Hindi, Urdu

National Animal: Lamb
National Bird: Dove
National Flower : Champa

GDP: 100 crore Bangs
Population: 420,000

Largest Export: Explosives, Tridents, Guns
Largest Import: Fast Food

Calling code: +108786
Internet TLD: .bang

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The wise and highly respected leader of Islam, the Imam is a rare proponent for peace in the habitually violent country of Bangistan. He is deeply saddened by the violence ravaging the world, and with his old buddy, the Shankaracharya, decides to use the forum at the World Religions’ Conference in Krakow to make a decisive appeal for peace. The Imam is played by Tom Alter. One of the very few pacifist leaders in Bangistan, the Shankaracharya is the well-loved head of Hinduism. Tired of generations of discord and enmity between the religions of the world, he decides to make one final global appeal for peace with his old pal, the Imam, at the World Religions’ Conference, in Krakow. He enjoys fiddling around with the latest electronic gadgetry, and is a well- known humorist on Twitter. The Shankaracharya is played by Shiv Subramaniam.
Wilhelm is a small-time policeman in Krakow, Poland with the investigative ability of a peanut, but majestic dreams of glory. He regularly raids the South Asian immigrant community with the hope of nabbing a major criminal and rising up the ranks of the police force. Big in size, but not in intelligence, he is relies heavily on Tamim for information. Wilhelm is played by the Polish star Tomasz Karolak. Wilhelm’s ever-loyal sidekick, Wong is a slow minded junior policeman in Krakow. He is an enthusiastic companion on Wilhelm’s hopeful raids, but often ends up the victim of his impatience and temper. Wong is played by the Polish comedian Bilguun Ariunbaatar.
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Star*ucks™ is South Bangistan’s most trendy and happening coffee shop. The joint prides itself for using only fresh cow milk, brought in directly from the next-door tabela/farm. Coffee is served here in traditional earthen cups known as kulhads, as well as in hand- painted takeaway cups. A word of warning – Star*ucks™ is a strictly vegetarian establishment, and any mention or request for meat may be met with eviction.
Badminton Ghat is the most prominent of many ghats along the River Baingan. It derives its name from the Sadhus- only annual badminton competition held here. Sadhus and babas from all over Bangistan prepare meticulously for this event and compete ferociously, because the winner earns the right to the first wash in the holy river on New Year’s Day. Badminton ghat is also a popular evening hangout spot for the youth of South Bangistan.
The Brahmand Khoj Observatory houses a collection of strange cosmic instruments that are said to hold the secrets of the origin of the universe and time. Bangistani scholars have spent centuries studying these instruments over the ages to no avail. A few years ago, the Observatory was opened to the public, with the hope of unearthing a genius who could unlock the secrets of the instruments. Unfortunately, it has since fallen into a state of disrepair, because of the public’s misuse of the property – obscene graffiti and paan stains have ruined the once majestic façade of the building.
FcDonalds™ is North Bangistan’s most popular restaurant, and a notable bazaar for local arms and ammunition. A prominent example of North Bangistan’s typical ‘rock-and-rubble’ style of architecture, FcDonalds™ has been voted ‘finest restaurant in the land’ for seven years in a row. If you have a chance to visit, do not miss the popular BigFac™ burger or the FcFries™ – the restaurant’s reputation of serving ‘Killer Fast Food’ is well earned. Customers who are unable to transverse the area’s mountainous terrain can also avail of the restaurant’s award- winning delivery mule service, which offers a ‘delivery within 4 hours or free’ guarantee.
Patthar-e-Zindagi or the Rock of Life is a natural rock formation that closely resembles a human skull – the North Bangistani symbol of life. It is believed to have restorative and medicinal powers, and the surrounding caves are some of the most expensive real estate properties in the country. Bangistani historians maintain that the Patthar-e-Zindagi was formed in the prehistoric era, and its local moniker – ‘The Bangistani Mona Lisa’ – stems from its completely natural, mysterious smile.
Chaandistan, or the Moon-on-earth, is the only place in the world where one can observe moon-like terrain. Locals believe it to be the patch of the earth from which the moon broke off during the formation of the universe. It is well known locally for hosting a fortnightly moon-worship festival every new moon, which is held in complete darkness because of the lack of electrical supply in the area.