Masjidabad: A shocking sting operation yesterday revealed that the supposedly clean and wise Health Minister of North Bangistan, Mushtaq Lambidadhi, has been duping the public for years by using beard extensions.
The undercover journalist entered Lambidadhi’s private quarters in the guise of a FcDonalds™ delivery man, and discovered his private collection of beard extensions. For the previous few decades, Lambidadhi has been widely admired for his finely maintained and impressively long beard, which was also a key reason for his appointment as Health Minister. Under his guidance, the Health ministry greatly improved public fitness, nutrition standards and medical resources.
Unfortunately, it has all proven to be an elaborate hoax, since Lambidadhi’s beard was found to be no less than 6 inches shorter than previously believed.
‘I have always strived to achieve the North Bangistani ideals of beard length’, said a tearful Lambidadhi, ‘but my beard just would not grow beyond 3 feet after I turned 30’. His supporters gathered outside his cave in a show of solidarity, but even combined with his good work as Health Minister, it does not mitigate his unacceptable betrayal of the good North Bangistani people.
Mandirnagar: The Pigeon Route Allotment scam in South Bangistan took a dramatic turn yesterday when the Communications Minister, K. A. Butar himself, was implicated in the scandal. The passenger pigeon, previously believed to be extinct, is South Bangistan’s most efficient method of long distance communication, and control of these pigeon routes is vital in the increasingly lucrative pigeon communication industry. The South Bangistani government had allotted these pigeon routes to several pigeon farmers via a bidding process last year.
However, it has emerged that K. A. Butar had allotted these routes in exchange for hefty bribes, instead of the government sanctioned bidding process. However, Butar denied all allegations yesterday, saying, ‘The pigeon routes have been distributed to farms purely on the basis of pigeon health and correspondence to pigeon communication rules and regulations – the money in question was an early birthday present from my closest friends, some of whom just happen to be pigeon farmers’.
The government has announced a probe into the matter, and until the investigation produces a definitive indictment, Butar will remain the Communications minister of South Bangistan.
Masjidabad: the North Bangistani government made a path breaking announcement from the Caves of Parliament yesterday – the statewide/nationwide dirt road network is to be massively upgraded by adding more dirt to it.
The original plan of building proper roads was discarded early on, because of the complaint that regular roads would make the North Bangistani landscape resemble that of South Bangistan. Asphalt would deprive everyone’s mules of their natural environment and make the mules restless over long distances. However, the leaders of North Bangistan did come to the consensus that the road network should be improved by the addition of dirt.
‘Not only will more dirt provide better grip and traction for our mules in our mountainous terrain, but it will also add a layer of camouflage that will help avoid attacks by those pesky American drones’, said Mustafa Achhidadhi, the minister of transportation.
Around 10,000 tonnes of dirt, rock and gravel is to be brought from South Bangistan for this project. ‘There is no shortage of dirt in South Bangistan anyway’, said Achhidadhi. ‘This is also a symbolic gesture to prove that the Southern dirt shall always remain crushed under our feet’. The upgraded North Bangistan Dirt Road Network will be the most advanced dirt track system the world has seen since the Indus Valley Civilization.
Mandirnagar: The South Bangistan Trishul Factory, commissioned last year to support the depleted South Bangistani Armed Forces, is now within one month of completion. H. A. Thyaar, the manager of the factory, was ecstatic at the press announcement yesterday – ‘Our valiant troops will soon be equipped with state-of-the-art weaponry’, he said. ‘Our trishul technology will supply the defence with the sharpest three-pronged armaments in the world’.
This major weapons upgrade is sure to have the North Bangistani intelligence network on high alert. ‘No matter’, says Thyaar, ‘the Northern forces and their homemade explosives have no hope against our weaponry anymore’. He also said, “There’s no such thing as too many trishuls.” The factory produces 108 trishuls of varying sizes per hour.
When the factory was first announced, the UN had raised concerns that the move might initiate an uncontrollable arms race between North and South Bangistan, leading to civil war. Thyaar has laughed off these concerns, however, saying, ‘North Bangistan does not have the infrastructure to make even one of the trishuls we will produce in mass here, so there is no question of a race – they cannot even leave the start line!’ On completion, the factory is expected to make the South Bangistan Armed Forces the largest, and only, army to use non-explosive weaponry.
Masjidabad: Husain Bijli continued his unprecedented run of consecutive victories at the North Bangistani Games with a 5-second victory in the 420 m track event. At the post-race press conference, Bijli dedicated his latest victory to Bakri, the mythical champion of the traditional North Bangistani lamb races, popularly known today as Azeem Medha.
Bakri is believed to have been undefeated in over a hundred races before he was butchered for meat by competing lamb herders.
Bijli, easily the biggest North Bangistani sports icon, claims to owe his prowess to the legendary lamb. ‘I am eternally grateful to Bakri, whose meat was eaten by my forefathers,’ he said, ‘thereby imbuing our lineage with the lamb’s unparalleled speed and athleticism’.
When a reporter suggested that Bijli’s accomplishment match those of Bakri, the sprinter retorted, ‘If I continue to race and remain undefeated at the time of my death, we will have another press conference and have this discussion.’
Mandirnagar: Sadhus and babas from all over South Bangistan have begun intensive training for the upcoming annual badminton tournament. To be held at the famous Badminton Ghat next month, the competition is expected to draw a record attendance this year, second only to the Star*ucks™ World Pehelwan Cup.
The winner of the prominent competition will be awarded the right to first wash in the holy river on New Year’s Day, an honor no sadhu of the land can resist.
The defending champion, Baba Backhand, is the odds on favorite to win the tournament, but he was taking nothing for granted at the press conference yesterday. ‘All sadhus of South Bangistan have holy power imbued in them’, he said, ‘and I will have to keep my concentration in each game’. Known for his powerful backhand, the Baba said he has been working on other parts of his game as well. ‘My service has become a lot better as well’, he said, ‘and this is all because I was the first to bathe in the holy river this year’. ‘Hopefully’, he continued with a chuckle, ‘I will win again, bathe first the next New Year’s Day again, and come back with an unbeatable forehand too!’ The defending champion looks to be in good shape coming into the tournament, and the other badminton babas now know what level they must be at, to have a shot at victory, and the prestigious first wash.
Official Name: Democratic Kingdom of the Federal
Secular People’s Republic of Bangistan
Currency: Bang (420 Bangs = 1 US Dollar)
Summer Capital – Masjidabad, North Bangistan
Winter Capital – Mandirnagar, South Bangistan
Official Languages: Hindi, Urdu
National Animal: Lamb
National Bird: Dove
National Flower : Champa
GDP: 100 crore Bangs
Largest Export: Explosives, Tridents, Guns
Largest Import: Fast Food
Calling code: +108786
Internet TLD: .bang